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Natasha for President.

Natasha Lyonne is one part greatest genius to ever walk the Earth, one part my nemesis. That makes two very conflicting parts. I mean, I'm a people person, thems the facts, so why would the greatest genius of all time be my nemesis?

Well it all started when I went to see A.R.E. Weapons. It was definitely a case of don't believe the hype. Very Pink Shit , Very Polyphonic Shitheap . But you gotta give these bands a crack and make up your own mind, so I was there front and centre. The fact that one of them is the brother of this goddessssssssssssssssss was the clincher.

They sucked arse. But suddenly to the left of stage, I saw her. Could it be? All hair and red lipstick. She was off her tree. She was cool. Then a friend of mine came up to me and told me she walked past Natasha and Natasha pushed her over! Apparently she was pushing people and being abusive left, right and centre. This endeared her to me no end secretly. My friend and I went up to her and I was all "Whats your fucking problem? Why did you push Tanith over?". See what happens when I get a few Vodkas into me? Natasha just looked me up and down and drawled "Reeeelaaaaxx girl". Enough said. She rules me. Although I wish she had said "Take a chill pill", but beggars can't be choosers. There were very funny stories circulating about her time here. All of which made me love her more than my own breasts. And I love those puppies.

The reason I bring up Natasha today is she currently has a warrant out for her arrest. She failed to appear in court where she is up on charges of "criminal mischief, harassment and trespass" and "threatening to molest a neighbours dog".

I quote;

"A New York judge issued an arrest warrant on Monday for "American Pie" movie actress Natasha Lyonne, who failed to appear for a court hearing on charges stemming from a rampage during which she was heard threatening to molest a neighbor's dog.
Lyonne, 26, is charged with criminal mischief, harassment and trespass after an unexplained fit of rage last December when authorities said she banged on the door of her neighbor, stormed into the apartment and ripped a mirror from the wall.
Police called to the scene said Lyonne told the neighbor, "I'm going to sexually molest your dog."
Manhattan Criminal Court Judge Abraham Clott issued the arrest warrant after calling her case three times on Monday. Prosecutors said Lyonne showed up in court one hour late, stayed 30 minutes, and left.
It is not the first time Lyonne has been in trouble. In 2001, she lost control of her car while driving drunk, pleaded guilty, and was sentenced to six months probation.
Lyonne has appeared in more than 30 films including "Blade: Trinity," "American Pie" and "Party Monster."

Natasha, you can come and stay with me girl. We can go on the run Thelma & Louise style. Although I bags being the one who shags Brad Pitt.

What came first the egg or the V8?

The other night me and my two little munchkins, were cruising the streets of Northcote, just a walkin' the dog, except in a much-cooler-than-the-rolling-stones-way. Ya should of seen Gabi's outfit. HOTT.

It was a lovely night out. We shot the shit. Basically just three hotties just a walkin' the dog in a much-cooler-than-the-rolling-stones-way, minding our own business.

Suddenly out of the blue* this car drove past...and EGGED US!!!!!

US!!!!!.

It took the other two a few moments to work out what the fuck had happened. But as soon as I saw that egg shell and felt the WACK on my leg, it brought back old, painful memories. You, see, this isn't my first egging. I got egged BAD in Adelaide.

YES!! In the City of Churches!!!!

It seems our Northcote attackers have poached the idea.

I was walking back to where my old band were staying after a gig... I don't mind a bit of Rock & Roll ya know, when all of the sudden out of nowhere** this hotted up van drove past & wacked me in the back i with what must of been 3 eggs. Better of been free range.

Those little yokey bitches really hurt and i was M.A.D. I mean, were these dudes that fucking bored (well it is Adelaide I guess) that this is what they end up doing for shits and giggles on a Saturday night? Playstation not working fellas?

I then when on to whinge about it on stage, on the radio and any future Adelaide press i have done. I blame the city as a whole. It feels good.

It was pretty funny the other night though. I mean it wasn't long ago I'd get tooted at in a "Hey foxy lady" kinda way. Now I get egged. Times they have a changed folks.

We could of chased after our eggy attackers but we were fried.

We scrambled to save the egg shells as a keepsake though.

* Our Deltas best song to date.
** Probably a more appropriate title given that all of her other songs are bollocks.

Drunk By Le Tigre

Big. Day. Ouch.

I am basically a semi-sundried tomato, death is definatley my gift, I didn't meet the Beastie Boys after much begging and fluttering of the eyelashes, I missed out on the whole she-pee phenomenon and i missed Slipknot, but damn I had a good time.

Highlights;

THE HIVES

This band totally amazing. I was never a massive fan after thier first record but I fell in love with them in a non-mates way after thier second. Thier songs are fun, energising, party time goodness. Pelle Almquist, the lead singer is so charasmatic, peachy and touchable, its almost too intense. Hard. Nipples.

I would have loved to have seen them in the more intimate confines of somewhere like the corner but The HIves are the kind of band that are great at a Festival. They engage the crowd, they are loud andhugely entertaining with the chops to back it up.....unlike Polyphonic Shitness.

The Hives were at the mixing desk when the Blue Explosion were on and when i found this out I made my way over there and stared at them for like 3 minutes and then realised that was wierd and went back to my mates.

Le Tigre

This was pretty damn exciting. I have been busting to see these godesses in full flight for a long time and there they were. They looked incredible, thier dance moves wre in sync and amazing thier sound was pretty huge and they played the classics. I think this was my highlight of the day. There was a great energy in the room and most importantly, i got to dance. I also saw a spiiting image 18 year old version of Dave Grohl that had me jail baitedly entranced. This is the point of the day that i realised i was on a one way train to Boozeville, stopping all stations. The $8 beer and wine had gone to my good looking head and honey, I was like, so rockin' the BDO.


The Town Bikes

These ladies have been doing thier sexed-up, spazzified dance routines around the traps for a while now. I have always thought they were great but over the last few months I have had the opportunity to see thier new routines and the are just getting better and better and better. They are so tight now.

How hot do two woman wanna get? I need to be them. They are so fucking dirty, cutesy, sexy and entrancing and they look amazing. The crowd loved them and it was great to have something like them on the bill, being totally spitroasted by the Blues Explosion and The Streets. I am also in love with one of them. She touched by boobies. I may now die happy.

My Nemisis

Andrew G,(who probably googles himself and ha come accross this and in which case I'd like to take this opportunity to say - YOU ARE GAY) , was in the VIP lounge. Thankfully our friends managed to keep enough distance between us as to not cause a scene, but we came so close. I may have said you were looking good, but seeing I got the cold shoulder i take it back, although I am happy you got rid of the pink converse and cut your hair. Thanks for listening to me.

Lowlights and funny bits;

1. I don't understand why there were so many bands on the bill that have played BDO already YEARS AGO and not more current acts that represent 2005.
I mean Beastie Boys, RESPECT. They are an institution. Its kind of awesome to see the kids getting into them and they sounded hot but Chemical Brothers?? Honeysmack?? Blues Explosion?? Grinspoon?? I dunno it all seemed a bit 10 years ago. I like the Blues Explosion and I guess BDO isn't just about troubled teens, but too me it felt tired. Or maybe I was just actually tired. I don't really know what my point here is. I guess its wierd that over a 10 year span (or longer?) of a festival the same bands are playing?? What does that say about the progressiveness of the mainstream?? Or opportunity for new bands? I am being real here folks. Word.

2. Kid 606 was a bit dissapointing. I love him so but it wasn't his more layed back chillax material, it was an onslaught that was increasingly hard to keep up with in my brain state. Earlier my friendand I thought Honeysmack was Kid 606 and in digust at how shit he was left to actaully watch the most annoying band in the world Polyphonic Spree to escape. We then realised we were stuck in the pits of hell and went and got pizza.

3. Last but not least I am OBBSESSED with guys PROPOSING TO THIER GIRLFRIENDS. VIA TEXT. ON THE BIG SCREEN. I quote the Herald Scum:

" There was romance too. Tim Harper and Selina Morris of South Yarra, were one of two couples who got engaged via text-messaged proposals flashed up on the giant screen. They celebrated by head banging to SLIPKNOT."

So romantic. Best couple ever. I hope thier children resemble Slipknot. I cant believe I missed Slipknot.

PS. I dreamt I was married to John Butler last night. I'd prefer Freddie Krugar.

Did I tell you I met Slayer?

I LOVE METAL.


http://www.ruthlessreviews.com/top10/10blackmetal.html

Hot Hot Hottest 100

This is as gay as it gets i know, but i only just found out my band is in the runnin' for a spot on the JJJ 100 bizzo.

So now I'm doing the "please vote for us" thing here, Myspace & Friendster just so i can feel like even more of a rock star.

So if you got a sec please vote for Your Wedding Night - Lachlan. If you hate that song or us then please vote for one of my insanely hot friends and label mates;

Along The Run - Art of Fighting
It's Gonna Take An Airplane - Destroyer
Line It Up - Preston School of Industry
Your Easy Part - Art of Fighting
http://www.trifekta.com.au/news/

Otherwise, go suck a fuck.
kisses

I actually sat on the fence. ALL FREAKIN" DAY.

"Hey Gretski!! Go get a Big 'Ol dog up ya!".

Well, I did it. It was literally the most boring day of my entire life. But I did it.
My dear friend Glenn & I stuck to our guns and waited for FIVE HOURS in a fucking queue to audition for Big Bro Number 5, 2005.

I had had only four hours sleep, Glenn even less, and honestly I'd rather fuck a chainsaw then be put through that wait again. Not only did we have no supplies (all I had to eat was tic tacs, but i guess they were my tactic) , but i had spent the morning vomiting and had an intense hangover and we were among some of THE BIGGEST FREAKS IN THE WORLD. (We had the misfortune of being stuck with a guy that would not shut up, who was into ninja fighting, cats ruling the world after killing all the humans, wanted to know whether i'd be the "lip-gloss wearing SLUT in the house" and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah).

Why did I go then you ask?

You see, ever since Big Bro One (which is the lonliest number you'll ever know by the way), my friends have been going on and on and on about how I should enter. But you see I can be very all talk no actiony, so i'd be all registery on liney yet no bothery about making videoy. Phew. But this year it just seemed too easy. Rock up, maybe wait 2 hours, get interviewed, be a freeeeaaakin geeeeeeeeenius, get chosen, in the house we go, be freeeeaaakin' geeeeeenius, win a cool mil', have my 15 minz and wham bam thank you Gretski!. But no.

All you could hear from the queue was far off collective yelling every so often. Like a rollercoaster was passing by every 5 mins. What the? Why am I here? and Who am I? I tried to leave about 5 times, but once you got passed the 3 hour mark you had really commited yourself and had to see it through.

Well eventually we had reached the front. They divided us into groups A, B and C (I was A ofcourse), and then, you guessed it we had to QUEUE!!! Yay!!

Each group was slowly called upon to be walked down to the Sydney Myer Music Bowl stage. Glenn was already down there and had texted me "So Humiliating!". Awesome. Just what I needed now that I was barely alive, sunburnt, talking to myself, rocking back and forth eating tic tacs. You see by this stage you just want to get the fuck out of there. You don't want to be chosen cuz you want to go home and you have no energy to be all "I'm gonna really bring a positive vibe to the house and be all crazy like and I'll shag on camera and go nude in the shower and and me me me".

So its group A's turn.

We were asked to say one line about ourselves that describes us, something that would make us stand out. The girl before me was like "Well I'd really love to be rock singer in a band and play g-tar one day". Then it was me and in my foul mood i just rolled my eyes at her and everyone and said in a really Mean Girls voice "well i actually DO sing in like a rock band AND play electric g-tar".

Yeah, How God damn cool am I??? Hey??.
I didn't get the reponse i was looking for.

The next 15 minutes was unbelievably embarrasing. We all had to pretened to be Peacocks and Dragons and The Eiffel Tower and a couch with someone sitting on it. What the? I had to point out to the whole group who I'd "wanna take inside the house for a pash". Yikes. I also had to roll a ping pong ball, under my clothes, not leaving my skin all the way up my body with the help of my all female team (this was actually kind of hot, in a mates way). Then that was it. I had to go and stand beside the people I thought would get in the house and wait.

They picked three from the group and I wasn't one of them. At the time I was relieved. Today I am a little dissapointed. The grieving process has begun.

This is the longest post evz but I'm purging, do you love it?

Thankfully I ended the day with a great bunch of mates (holly C I LOVE YOU) and a bottle of red, (Sweet booze I LOVE YOU). Bed was the best thing evz. I'd rather John Howard played with my boosies than ever do it again but it was an experience.

Shout out to GG for coming with me. Salut!!
Kisses.